Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Mixed Emotions

That's how you describe snow falling on the newly revealed green grass. Calling it grass is a bit of a stretch, but it is somewhat green compared to the snow. But now some big white flakes are falling from the sky. What's that about? That's what I'm feeling about the weather-thrilled that we're seeing some green, and annoyed that more snow is falling. My mixed emotions at home are this-I'm thrilled that Jake is feeling better and that his foray into the pond left no long-term effects, but so aware that we are coming to the end. He is not safe enough anymore to be left alone, but we're still aware that he is enjoying his life and adding so much to ours. When and where do you draw the line? We said that it would be when he lets us know, but will he let us know? Is falling into the pond and being unable to get out a sign? I don't want Jake to feel one minute of pain, not one second. And yet, I know the humiliation he feels when these things happen is terrible, and I feel for him. Is that the sign? Our hearts break everytime he fails at something. The stairs, lying down, walking around the property. He will cover himself with bluff sometimes. "RUFF, RUFF" that deep and bellowous bark that he has. But this is a dog who needs assistance coming from the bedroom, where his bed is, to the living room, because the floors are waxed to a shine. His feet have come out from under him, and his embarassment is palpable. We cry for him alot these days. And yet, when he comes and puts his head in your lap, groaning with the pleasure of having his ears rubbed, it is hard not to feel that his life is good and he is happy. Because the happiness he gives is tremendous. Is it that "old blue eyes" is getting old, and that is a sign of our aging? I think it is bigger than that. We are more than a reflection of each other. We are friends. I know that there is nothing that Jake wouldn't do for us, if he could. I don't feel that connection with the other dogs. I love them, they love us, but with Jake it has always been different. He seems to want to cover our backs, so to speak. Is that possible with a dog? I think so. He is always waiting for our signal, looking for a sign, and turns inside out with happiness when he knows he has pleased us. Our tenderness is equal. We want what is best for him, and yet we want him to be happy. The leash is an indignity that he is not happy with. He has been roaming our property for a number of years now. I have taken to shadowing him on his walks. He knows I'm behind him, and has even tried to lose me on occasion, but I am diligent. My fear for him is that he will encounter something that he cannot handle, and we won't know where he is to help him. And so, I make sure I'm with him, whether he likes it or not (regardless of my attire too-pajamas,boots and a raincoat) Is this where the end begins? Will he become less inclined to enjoy his walks because I'm with him? Will he begin to miss those early morning exploration walks through the brush, sniffing all the smells there are to find. I would like to think that he and I could enjoy a companionable walke with each other, but my ability to climb up steep hills and over ditches is greatly limited. I'm not the best walking partner you could hope for if you like to go climbing. For now, we'll just muddle along. But as I said-mixed emotions.

1 comment:

Sandi said...

Ohh, doggies. It's so sad to see our pet get old. My father-in-law had this cat and it was so old. He some how got ran over by the car and still managed to stay alive. I swear he used all his 9 lives!